How Pressure, Finances And Deadlines Make Me Suddenly Work With ADHD

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Wow!

It has been ages since I wrote in my blog.

This was a crazy busy year with severe health issues in my family, suddenly finding myself close again to my parents and having to take care of them. I might tell You some other time about the stress, emotional conflict and overwhelm , this sudden caretaking caused.

Having to leave  my hometown so often , my business was running very low or better say crawling and actually resting!
That caused several financial panic attacks: In summer I was so broke I had no idea how to buy food for me and my cat. Of course the cat got sick, too and had to go to the Vet, which sure I did but therefor even had less money. Useless to say, that my bank account was on the maximum line of credit.

However this ADD mind of mine works, I
1. Procrastinated earning some money and remained in a state of panic
2. Finally, under extreme financial pressure, I started to write job applications for all kind of jobs that I was not   really interested in – I love being self-employed!
3. Eventually I wrote applications for 2 schools to work as a teacher for Aromatherapy – Yes! I actually wanted to apply there long-time!
4. Recherched and checked out ways how to pay less for health insurance and wrote several letters to my insurance to pay less and get some money back from years before, something that was on my to-do-list for long, too.

 Momentary Happy-end: 🙂

1. I now pay less for health insurance and even got some money back.
2. I am still self-employed! 🙂
3. I rented out part of my practice space- another thing I wanted to do for a year now! So that saves me some money each month.
4. I got both jobs as a docent for Aromatherapy! Hurray! :-))
Happily  one of them already started in September and the next part of the lecture is next week. …well yes, i am procrastinating or not prioritizing right now, as i should either prepare my lecture or go to bed! Anything BUT  writing in my Blog! well, well, …
5. A friend of mine asked me to give a paid!!! Workshop on Bodylanguage and Massage. Which I did last weekend.

The  result:

After having less money then none at all I have some o.k. money for now.

After having no paid work for a long time I have to give two 4 day – lectures on Aromatherapy in a school in my town and two 8 hour workshops in Berlin. All of that in 2 months…including preparing the lectures!

Which means: Stress! Excitement! Stress! Panic, too! Excitement! Work!

And look at me:
Suddenly I am there, preparing everything in short time, being structured and working.
Suddenly I am doing and arranging things that have been sitting untouched on my to-do-list for ages.

What is this?

I have to admit I only work under extreme pressure.

I am actually a bit  ashamed to say that. Even though I know how I work or how my brain works.
I mean, I had A LOT of work!
I was really afraid and panicking I won’t be able to prepare the Aromatherapy course in time. Especially after i had to follow a given and broadly defined lecture plan, having no idea what they were actually asking for.
I had very LITLLE TIME for preparation!
Every job was and is in a short time. One after the other.

This is how my brain works.
I hope my heart can cope with this panic and extreme rhythm, too.
Panic and Stress means Adrenalin and Dopamin.
And that makes me run and work and structure myself like I could not do before! Continue reading

Hello Motivation! WHERE ARE YOU???!*#!

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OMG! I am so unmotivated!

Can’t seem to make up my mind on what and where to start!

I haven't painted that! I would love to be able topaint like this! It's just the photo software.

I haven’t painted that! I would love to be able to paint like this! It’s just the photo software and a pic of my messy table.

I made myself such a beautiful plan of tasks to reach goals , full of post-it papers  in all colours and precisely sorted.

And now I am stuck again!:-(
How to get motivated? I am even too unmotivated in doing nothing!!!

The sun is shining and it is warm outside, the best weather to go out in the parc and collect herbs.

My flat is a mess! In my sleeping room I have to move around piles of clean clothes,
I haven’t put in place yet and step around piles of clothes on the floor that I have to sort out.

My work space is full of piles of paper, empty bottles and dirty dishes, books, pens, full ashtray.

And tonight there is a party, I wanted to go to. Even this free time amusement IS STRESSING ME OUT!!!

 

I could just start with doing ONE thing, that will uplift me. But….

See, my bad mood is rising clouds outside! Maybe it will rain? So I cannot go and collect herbs today!!!
Yippie! task moved…procrastinated…to an unknown date…

ISN’T IT REALLY STRANGE THAT EVEN THE THINGS THAT ARE FUN TURN OUT TO  STRESS ME OUT???
AND THAT I CAN’T GET MOTIVATED EVEN FOR FUN THINGS???

messy_floor

And the other thing is: I actually know how to help myself, I could burn some incense, get some essential oils that will get me motivated, but WTF!!!
I am especially unmotivated in helping myself!

Days like this….
I will leave you and me here without any solution, no advice…just an unmotivated mood!

Hey see, I actually got motivated to write this post, at least! Hurray???

Improved And Confused: An ADD Work Life Day Story

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Yeah I  have done so much today! 🙂

I had a work date real late at 7 pm and needed to prepare a lot before that.

I researched accupuncture points and herbs for recipes for a specific condition.
Not that I havent done that several times, but where did I write that down??? I lost the papers or cant find them. Also every case is different, so I need to do research anyway.

A quick sketch of WHAT A MESS! (c) thefemmeaddon

A quick sketch of WHAT A MESS! (c) thefemmeaddon

But this time I actually did the research AND wrote it down on my computer so at least it is saved on the disc. Improve! Improve! 🙂

Then I felt so professional, when I called up a homeopathic company, to ask them about a specific remedy they make and if it suits to my client needs.

I say I felt professional, cuz it reminded me so much of games, that I used to play when I was a kid.

I had this kids post-office game with different forms, stamps and postage stamps and I loved to get everything sorted,  stamp it, write  and fill out the forms.
Yeah the kid forms to fill out, were easy and fun!:)
…not like the complicated adult forms, where You dont know what they want from You and where- in some cases- you have to be so specific and correct that if you make a mistake you pay a fee or go to jail / hell!!! 😦
I mean, no wonder so many people hate paper work if what you write can have a huge/ scary consequence!

I also loved to play something like a secretary or manager, where I would make  calls, arrange things and dates, order stuff….
Of course I didnt have to check my finances for ordering. Of course none of my calls were real…I talked to an imaginary person.
Of course none of the dates I arranged, I had actually to go to!
That was fun!!!:-)

It is often said, that ADDers should make a game of their tasks. Today  at least the call felt like a game and was fun. Afterwards.
Wanna know how my day went on? Continue reading

An outburst of ADD symptoms … while trying to write an Article… Self-help required!

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I am trying to write this article about Essential Oils for focusing, concentration and accomplishing tasks.
And guess what? Almost all my ADD symptoms decided to gather and make the realisation of my project impossible or at least very very difficult.

So here is what goes on:
I have many many ideas and information about the topic. While all these ideas and information are having a crazy dancing party in my head, I try to bring them into a structure, to write them down.

Unfocused (c) theFemmeADDon

Unfocused (c) theFemmeADDon

Then there are all these ideas HOW to write the information down: with a little story, with examples, just straight forward in a list, …? I am having a real hard time to decide and straight is anyway impossible for me. 😉

I need several approaches and started writing online to save them as drafts, gather more information and write it on paper, try to structure the information into topics and write more on paper; get frustracted and procrastinate and play online games and spider solitaire over and over.

I try again, with the actual help of Essential oils and use a blend of Rosemary and Lemon for concentrating, just to realize that I start getting very nervous…( and the dancing party in my brain, goes on dancing even harder).

I start to realize I am not grounded at all, I am high up in the air and I remember I haven’t  eaten yet. Well ok. Lets have something to eat, cuz eating also helps with structure an calming down. And I put away my essential oils blend and decide to use a mixture with Cypress ( for decision making and accomplishing tasks), Juniper against nervousness and a little bit of Ho-Leaves for inspiration and calming down.

And maybe I should stop drinking coffee for now, too?  🙂
Maybe I should go out for a walk and take a break to clear my head?

I really dont know what is going on… Months ago I decided on this article and the longer I think about it, the more difficult it gets. Probably the longer I wait, the more  perfect I wanna make it– something that is impossible to reach, so of course I cannot write it down.
On the other hand, it feels like when I was studying medicine and had to learn about all these illnesses. Getting deeper into a topic and being hypersensitive, too, I started developing or better imagine symptoms on myself.

So this time I develop all the symptoms of the issues I wanna write about?
Scattered, unfocused, undecissive, nervous, not able to realise my ideas and finish a task, totally unstructured,
…!?

Well, I am eating my bread now that nearly got burned cuz I forgot it in the oven  and I will try to   start all over again  and eventually write this article. 🙂

Bachflowers for raw emotions: Don’t piss in my garden and how to find a smartphone…

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….about the feeling of competition and the guilt never to do enough for my business.

Angry Sphynx

Angry Sphynx (Photo credit: Wikipedia,User:Trilobite2)

Yesterday I went with a good friend to our beloved coffee-place and when I was about to leave, I saw these flyers hanging at the wall: From a woman who does walks on the wild-side and teaches about wild growing medical plants, herbal walks, something that I offered in the past many times in this area.
Well, her walks and Herbal Medicine courses are in another area of town, but hey! I felt angry of her putting flyers in MY area! How stupid is this? I mean, MY reaction?!!! There are so many people who do  the same work as I do and I know that and knew that before, that I am not the only one! (this is soo BachFlower WATER VIOLET, for the feeling of being better than others)
Still, I felt like a cat who is furious that some other cat marked HER place. Not that this area belongs to me, its a public space, but still….. (Bachflower HOLLY for anger and jealousy, WILLOW for complaining about others and blaming others).

So, I tried to calm myself  (WHITE CHESTNUT to calm down the mind and let go) and think about what really makes me angry. And that is, that I always thought about starting and offering new Workshops and courses, making flyers to hang out in different places, well, many many plans and ideas,… BUT no actual results! No Flyers, no new dates for worshops, walks and courses, nothing really that I have finished. ( Bachflower WILD OAT for many ideas and not finishing projects) .
So there is NO need to be angry about anyone just about me! What a sh****! So feeling  guilty doesn’t help (maybe I should take some Bach Flower PINE against all that guilty feeling) and having ADHD doesn’t help either  for accomplishing and finishing things (and NO excuse ) and my anger and stupid competition feeling isn’t really the best motivation (HOLLY again).

Not that I haven’t already started yesterday, before I went out, to put up a seminar for Bach Flowers and was very happy about me working on my business stuff. Instead of enjoying my happiness and work I’ve done, I got so irritated by these flyers from somebody else! ( WALNUT for irritations when starting new things, CENTAURY for general irritation by others).

And than,  instead of working I procrastinate on the wwweb, while I am trying to find a smartphone that isn`t too expensive, so I can write directly from the coffee-place and everywhere else in my blog! 😉 But then, it s so hard to decide on the right one! I already know that I dont want “the fruit thing” brand, it’s too expensive and I do prefer papayas and mangos. 🙂 Continue reading

Desperate housewive cleaning day… Why does it take so long?

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I decided today to clean my windows and  frames. As the sun is shining I see for days and months how dirty they are.
This time I decided not to do the cleaning while listening to punk music or any other fast music as I usually do, but I listened to Mozartt’s Requiem and Dead Can Dance. Beautiful music and slow. that in fact was quite good and I kinda cleaned in meditation.

DSC00481_window

Neat and clean window see-through

 

So I tried to stay focused and managed most of the time to do so, while taking a cigarette and spider solitaire break after every window. But still it took me ages. I needed that breaks, to not be too exhausted and finally stop my task, but puh! that took so long!

Went out later for food with a good friend and when I came back, I worked on cleaning the living room and do the dishes.

It feels like a whole day cleaning till late night and still my table is a mess, the hallway and sleeping room, too!

But I have shiny clean windows and my plants are nicely cut.
Is there any way ever to not feel like,  the whole day is gone when I do the cleaning and then it seems like nothing or very little have I  actually been done? 😦

In a way I know the answers:
If  I would do the cleaning very regular, like every day things wouldnt bee such a mess.
If I clean my windows on a regular base they wont be so dirty.
When everythig has its place. And if I place it back there after use.
If I would throw out many things.

andandand…I can hear my Mum’s advice ringing in my  ear….

Everything totally logic. But, it seems impossible to me to have and keep my house clean. And even when it is clean it is a mess very soon again. There are so many much more interesting things to do than cleaning! Like, making a mess. That is Logic! 🙂
Also it seems impossible to find a place for my things and especially putting them back to where they belong.

I would love to have a clean and tidy house. It would help me focusing, too. But I am horryfied  and bored, to do some coaching and get myself organised in that point. Seems such a waste of time…

And btw: Why do passing strangers, in particular men, think that cleaning windows is some private show just for them??? Even when I wear my old washed out ugly shirts?
My friend suggested to get some cleaning dress or appron with flowers, like some older ladies wear when they do the house work. I ll ask my grandma for one of hers!

Just in case I clean my windows again soon. 😉

another reason for moving to WP from tumblr

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So here s the other reason I moved to WP, cuz here I can put up pages and categorize them.

viola

I just had the idea recently to put information on the Web about alternative help for ADDers/ ADHDers. I wanna post some information about natural treatment/ self-helf with herbs, essential oils and Bach Flower remedies,etc.  for all those who seek alternative treatment/ support without synthetic medication or wanna take some natural remedies with their meds.

Well anyway it is

my profession, I do work as self-employed naturopath with medical plants and Japanese Acupuncture, but apart from that I am really excited to share my knowledge with other ADD folks out there. 🙂

I am planning to post articles about specific herbs that can help you to focus, help you to sleep, calms you down or gives you more energy, and so on….

So there s a lot to do! Still have to find the right theme, where the letters are not that small! And putting everything in here, so yeah! another big exciting project…not that I have completed the other “hundreds” projects I am on, but hey lets keep life exciting!!! and busy! 😉