How Pressure, Finances And Deadlines Make Me Suddenly Work With ADHD

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Wow!

It has been ages since I wrote in my blog.

This was a crazy busy year with severe health issues in my family, suddenly finding myself close again to my parents and having to take care of them. I might tell You some other time about the stress, emotional conflict and overwhelm , this sudden caretaking caused.

Having to leave  my hometown so often , my business was running very low or better say crawling and actually resting!
That caused several financial panic attacks: In summer I was so broke I had no idea how to buy food for me and my cat. Of course the cat got sick, too and had to go to the Vet, which sure I did but therefor even had less money. Useless to say, that my bank account was on the maximum line of credit.

However this ADD mind of mine works, I
1. Procrastinated earning some money and remained in a state of panic
2. Finally, under extreme financial pressure, I started to write job applications for all kind of jobs that I was not   really interested in – I love being self-employed!
3. Eventually I wrote applications for 2 schools to work as a teacher for Aromatherapy – Yes! I actually wanted to apply there long-time!
4. Recherched and checked out ways how to pay less for health insurance and wrote several letters to my insurance to pay less and get some money back from years before, something that was on my to-do-list for long, too.

 Momentary Happy-end: 🙂

1. I now pay less for health insurance and even got some money back.
2. I am still self-employed! 🙂
3. I rented out part of my practice space- another thing I wanted to do for a year now! So that saves me some money each month.
4. I got both jobs as a docent for Aromatherapy! Hurray! :-))
Happily  one of them already started in September and the next part of the lecture is next week. …well yes, i am procrastinating or not prioritizing right now, as i should either prepare my lecture or go to bed! Anything BUT  writing in my Blog! well, well, …
5. A friend of mine asked me to give a paid!!! Workshop on Bodylanguage and Massage. Which I did last weekend.

The  result:

After having less money then none at all I have some o.k. money for now.

After having no paid work for a long time I have to give two 4 day – lectures on Aromatherapy in a school in my town and two 8 hour workshops in Berlin. All of that in 2 months…including preparing the lectures!

Which means: Stress! Excitement! Stress! Panic, too! Excitement! Work!

And look at me:
Suddenly I am there, preparing everything in short time, being structured and working.
Suddenly I am doing and arranging things that have been sitting untouched on my to-do-list for ages.

What is this?

I have to admit I only work under extreme pressure.

I am actually a bit  ashamed to say that. Even though I know how I work or how my brain works.
I mean, I had A LOT of work!
I was really afraid and panicking I won’t be able to prepare the Aromatherapy course in time. Especially after i had to follow a given and broadly defined lecture plan, having no idea what they were actually asking for.
I had very LITLLE TIME for preparation!
Every job was and is in a short time. One after the other.

This is how my brain works.
I hope my heart can cope with this panic and extreme rhythm, too.
Panic and Stress means Adrenalin and Dopamin.
And that makes me run and work and structure myself like I could not do before! Continue reading

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The Curse Of Perfectionism And The Hyperactive Brain

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It is almost 4 a.m. and I am still not in bed. Listening to an amazing music mix from this site .
I am thinking about perfectionism. These days I am all over the place, doing all kind of things and they leave me frustrated cuz nothing seems good enough.

On the one hand good- I am creating stuff, I have tons of ideas– nothing business related- just creativity for my satisfaction.
I am painting, sewing, scetching, colouring, doing wood works, writing and everything all together , chaotic- one day this, the other day or minute that. And while I am doing one thing, my mind already jumps to the next new ideas. Rollercoaster of thoughts.
On the other hand, because of my restlessness , in my hyper- state I want to do everything at once, realize my ideas- NOW!
And it feels like I don’t have the time to dig into the matter and become better. Which ends up, me doing a bit here and  a bit there. Or maybe I actually have the time and don’t allow myself to stay focused on one thing? Or can’t?

Perfectionism – Learning- Impatience – Restlessness – Self Esteem – Trust

One problem  is perfectionism.
I don’t remember when I became so perfectionistic. Continue reading

Hello Motivation! WHERE ARE YOU???!*#!

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OMG! I am so unmotivated!

Can’t seem to make up my mind on what and where to start!

I haven't painted that! I would love to be able topaint like this! It's just the photo software.

I haven’t painted that! I would love to be able to paint like this! It’s just the photo software and a pic of my messy table.

I made myself such a beautiful plan of tasks to reach goals , full of post-it papers  in all colours and precisely sorted.

And now I am stuck again!:-(
How to get motivated? I am even too unmotivated in doing nothing!!!

The sun is shining and it is warm outside, the best weather to go out in the parc and collect herbs.

My flat is a mess! In my sleeping room I have to move around piles of clean clothes,
I haven’t put in place yet and step around piles of clothes on the floor that I have to sort out.

My work space is full of piles of paper, empty bottles and dirty dishes, books, pens, full ashtray.

And tonight there is a party, I wanted to go to. Even this free time amusement IS STRESSING ME OUT!!!

 

I could just start with doing ONE thing, that will uplift me. But….

See, my bad mood is rising clouds outside! Maybe it will rain? So I cannot go and collect herbs today!!!
Yippie! task moved…procrastinated…to an unknown date…

ISN’T IT REALLY STRANGE THAT EVEN THE THINGS THAT ARE FUN TURN OUT TO  STRESS ME OUT???
AND THAT I CAN’T GET MOTIVATED EVEN FOR FUN THINGS???

messy_floor

And the other thing is: I actually know how to help myself, I could burn some incense, get some essential oils that will get me motivated, but WTF!!!
I am especially unmotivated in helping myself!

Days like this….
I will leave you and me here without any solution, no advice…just an unmotivated mood!

Hey see, I actually got motivated to write this post, at least! Hurray???

Essential Oils for ADD: CLARITY for the scattered mind, calmness for anxiety

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Uhhh I have been very busy the last weeks.
I opened a new business last year and finally wanna come out with my products to sell them.
One part of the business is creating several essential oil blends, that can help with everyday life.

So I was trying to make the perfect design for the labels of my spray bottles and of course , no one was perfect. I  tried many many different versions, fonts, and so on. It took my ages! Still not happy about design….

And of course I was also multi-tasking, cuz doing something and beiing creative and busy, my mind jumps from one idea to another.
A
nd so I was also trying to think about a blend for grounding oneself, the element Earth, some blend with Vetiver in it.
But: I just could not create the right formula and get the right idea. I read in books, tried to get an inspiration, ….

But then I started to create another Blend : Clarity!
That came to me easy, I was probably so ready for this and needed clarity, beeing stuck and confused with many ideas and not beeing happy about any of them, cuz none was perfect.

So here is my idea and essential oils for CLARITY: Continue reading

An outburst of ADD symptoms … while trying to write an Article… Self-help required!

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I am trying to write this article about Essential Oils for focusing, concentration and accomplishing tasks.
And guess what? Almost all my ADD symptoms decided to gather and make the realisation of my project impossible or at least very very difficult.

So here is what goes on:
I have many many ideas and information about the topic. While all these ideas and information are having a crazy dancing party in my head, I try to bring them into a structure, to write them down.

Unfocused (c) theFemmeADDon

Unfocused (c) theFemmeADDon

Then there are all these ideas HOW to write the information down: with a little story, with examples, just straight forward in a list, …? I am having a real hard time to decide and straight is anyway impossible for me. 😉

I need several approaches and started writing online to save them as drafts, gather more information and write it on paper, try to structure the information into topics and write more on paper; get frustracted and procrastinate and play online games and spider solitaire over and over.

I try again, with the actual help of Essential oils and use a blend of Rosemary and Lemon for concentrating, just to realize that I start getting very nervous…( and the dancing party in my brain, goes on dancing even harder).

I start to realize I am not grounded at all, I am high up in the air and I remember I haven’t  eaten yet. Well ok. Lets have something to eat, cuz eating also helps with structure an calming down. And I put away my essential oils blend and decide to use a mixture with Cypress ( for decision making and accomplishing tasks), Juniper against nervousness and a little bit of Ho-Leaves for inspiration and calming down.

And maybe I should stop drinking coffee for now, too?  🙂
Maybe I should go out for a walk and take a break to clear my head?

I really dont know what is going on… Months ago I decided on this article and the longer I think about it, the more difficult it gets. Probably the longer I wait, the more  perfect I wanna make it– something that is impossible to reach, so of course I cannot write it down.
On the other hand, it feels like when I was studying medicine and had to learn about all these illnesses. Getting deeper into a topic and being hypersensitive, too, I started developing or better imagine symptoms on myself.

So this time I develop all the symptoms of the issues I wanna write about?
Scattered, unfocused, undecissive, nervous, not able to realise my ideas and finish a task, totally unstructured,
…!?

Well, I am eating my bread now that nearly got burned cuz I forgot it in the oven  and I will try to   start all over again  and eventually write this article. 🙂

Desperate housewive cleaning day… Why does it take so long?

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I decided today to clean my windows and  frames. As the sun is shining I see for days and months how dirty they are.
This time I decided not to do the cleaning while listening to punk music or any other fast music as I usually do, but I listened to Mozartt’s Requiem and Dead Can Dance. Beautiful music and slow. that in fact was quite good and I kinda cleaned in meditation.

DSC00481_window

Neat and clean window see-through

 

So I tried to stay focused and managed most of the time to do so, while taking a cigarette and spider solitaire break after every window. But still it took me ages. I needed that breaks, to not be too exhausted and finally stop my task, but puh! that took so long!

Went out later for food with a good friend and when I came back, I worked on cleaning the living room and do the dishes.

It feels like a whole day cleaning till late night and still my table is a mess, the hallway and sleeping room, too!

But I have shiny clean windows and my plants are nicely cut.
Is there any way ever to not feel like,  the whole day is gone when I do the cleaning and then it seems like nothing or very little have I  actually been done? 😦

In a way I know the answers:
If  I would do the cleaning very regular, like every day things wouldnt bee such a mess.
If I clean my windows on a regular base they wont be so dirty.
When everythig has its place. And if I place it back there after use.
If I would throw out many things.

andandand…I can hear my Mum’s advice ringing in my  ear….

Everything totally logic. But, it seems impossible to me to have and keep my house clean. And even when it is clean it is a mess very soon again. There are so many much more interesting things to do than cleaning! Like, making a mess. That is Logic! 🙂
Also it seems impossible to find a place for my things and especially putting them back to where they belong.

I would love to have a clean and tidy house. It would help me focusing, too. But I am horryfied  and bored, to do some coaching and get myself organised in that point. Seems such a waste of time…

And btw: Why do passing strangers, in particular men, think that cleaning windows is some private show just for them??? Even when I wear my old washed out ugly shirts?
My friend suggested to get some cleaning dress or appron with flowers, like some older ladies wear when they do the house work. I ll ask my grandma for one of hers!

Just in case I clean my windows again soon. 😉

music and writing and loud thinking

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(c) thefemmeaddon.wordpress.com

Street Art in Hamburg, Germany © thefemmeaddon.wordpress.com

So I am thinking to start to write about the Bach Flower Remedies like I pronounced. I am thinking about what to write,  while I am listening to a youtube channel Motown 60`s music and I have difficulties thinking.

Either thinking and writing or listening to music…. ??? Continue reading