It is almost 4 a.m. and I am still not in bed. Listening to an amazing music mix from this site .
I am thinking about perfectionism. These days I am all over the place, doing all kind of things and they leave me frustrated cuz nothing seems good enough.
On the one hand good- I am creating stuff, I have tons of ideas– nothing business related- just creativity for my satisfaction.
I am painting, sewing, scetching, colouring, doing wood works, writing and everything all together , chaotic- one day this, the other day or minute that. And while I am doing one thing, my mind already jumps to the next new ideas. Rollercoaster of thoughts.
On the other hand, because of my restlessness , in my hyper- state I want to do everything at once, realize my ideas- NOW!
And it feels like I don’t have the time to dig into the matter and become better. Which ends up, me doing a bit here and a bit there. Or maybe I actually have the time and don’t allow myself to stay focused on one thing? Or can’t?
Perfectionism – Learning- Impatience – Restlessness – Self Esteem – Trust
One problem is perfectionism.
I don’t remember when I became so perfectionistic.
I have the idea that it became worse over the years. Now I am sewing a dress and I want it to look great and almost perfect. When I was younger I didn’t care so much. Or did I? Maybe my memory is just wrong. Or maybe things looked better when I was was younger because I had more time / gave myself more time to make things? Or because I was proud of myself cuz it was the first time I did something like this? Or where my expectations lower? Did I make easier things?
As adults we see more. We see others. We start comparing. We set high expectations. We set expectations at all. We don’t get so easily compliments for everything we do. That might also be an explanation.
How can I get better? So that I am more satisfied with the results?
The thing to get better is actually learning. How do we learn? By repeating. Again and again.
This leads me to the next points: restlessness and impatience.
I am impatient. I want it NOW!
I get bored doing the same thing all the time.
I buy a fabric cuz I want to make a dress and wear it tomorrow! I am painting a picture and it shall look great immediately.
Another thing is this part where I am saying: Maybe I don’t allow myself the time. There is this part of myself that is longing for staying on track. A part of me that cries out when I jump to the next task. That part that wants to dig into the matter, wants to hyperfocus, that wants to learn, wants to repeat things over and over again.
And then the grouch steps in and says: You should do something for your work! You should care about your business. Stop playing! Do marketing! No time for learning!
But if I don’t allow myself the time, the development, the learning process, the repetition – it is impossible or difficult for me to get better.
Which leads to frustration because I want to get better. I want to develop my skills and talents, maybe not into perfect, but at least good enough for me.
And yes, I also want to be proud of myself.
And frustration leads to not believe in myself. Not seeing and believing that I can do it good. That I get better. That I develop my talents. Become skilled. Which leads to a painful self-attack on my self-esteem.
A vicious cycle.
If I had just one or maybe two interests, i might be able to focus on this only.
But I have many many interests. And in these interests more interests. Does that make sense?
I could give myself some time and space and do one step one task one interest one technique after the other.
But I get bored. It takes so long. Too long. It is difficult for me to focus on one thing for a longer time, to stay with one task, especially when my mind is having a hard techno party of ideas.
And on top of it all is the constant worry and urgent need of creating an income.
How do artists deal with the need of creating an income?
Most of the artists I know have jobs at a supermarket or do social work to have an income and afford their art.
But I have a business. Something I love and want to uphold but it requires a lot of effort and time.
So far my thoughts….. ideas… with no solution yet…
One thing I know and wish for myself: I will stay ambitious. I will not let myself down. I will get there. I will be more satisfied with what I create. In my way. With creative chaos and changing plans every minute and procrastinating and not stopping to believe in myself. 🙂
What do You think?
How do You manage all Your ideas?
How do You deal with the hyperactive state of “I want it all and I want it now” ?
Please share Your thoughts and ideas.